As I've stumbled finding myself, mending my mental health and dealing with family issues the last thing I've actually done is take care of myself. I struggled (and still stumbling a bit) to confront the hate, the resentment, the hurt, and the exhaustion I'd let consume me for the last 3 months or so. And I mean consume me to a point that I was angry and unhappy all the time... nothing truly brought me happiness. Not even all the good that was coming my way. I was drowning in sorrow and pity which made me more upset because I don't like to sit in my pity yet here I was.. doing that exact thing.
I then realized I was at a point that I truly needed help. Help to sort through my emotions and feelings in a healthy, non-distant way. Without going into too much detail about what was happening in my personal life (I'll save that treat for my therapist lol) I saw a version of myself that was pushed to the limit. Literally. I was frustrated, hurt, disappointed, mad and full of hate for someone that is truly an extension of me. It's actually easier to talk about now than before but when that situation with my family happened I hit my breaking point for them and carrying that weight on my shoulders. I was done with them. Done with the peacemaker shit. Sick of being the mediator for everyone. And at the moment I wanted PEACE. Genuine, uninterrupted peace. The MOST peaceful I've ever been was sitting in my Big Daddy's (grandpa) lap when I was kid. No words would be said. He would grunt a little, rock me while we watched whatever was on USA lol and then I'd go on to sleep.
I've only felt 100% at peace a handful of times - most of which are basketball related. As I tried to place all the rage/hate/overflow of other emotions during that time I could only think how at peace and happy I'd be with my Big Daddy. My grandfather passed away in 2010... I, at the time, felt like taking my life to be with him to finally have peace was the only option I had. I wanted to badly to be understood, to validated for my rage which I've struggled with for YEARS (but hide it well) and to have a chance to just be Dee. Not Dee the mediator or the one carrying the weight of others.. I wanted to end my life. I felt like that was the only I could have PEACE.
Safe to say since then it's been a journey of self-realization and healing... I guess this was more about expressing these thoughts in as many places as possible. I posted a video on my IG that pushed me out of comfort zone A LOT. I felt so vulnerable and seen yet I wasn't afraid to vocalize the thoughts I had to take my own life. I've written it in my journals as a reminder to keep going, not for others or to fulfill this inflated idea to be tough but to continue working through everything that brought me to that place. It's not a lot but it's something I certainly wouldn't have had the courage to do a year ago... exposing myself to being vulnerable has always been my biggest challenge in personal/professional life. I'm learning and understanding better ways to allow people in to see, feel, and experience that level of vulnerability in me...
As a letter to myself...
love you. Love yourself so fiercely, so genuinely, and so purely that nothing can penetrate that love. Give yourself room to love and evolve - the love for myself and potentially from others will grow in ways that can't be dictated. Be open to that love and that growth. You're loved by so many people. Some you've never met (in-person) yet they have cheered, encouraged, and loved you as if you've been friends for years. Recognize those people NOW and give them their flowers. You're human so it's okay to come up short sometimes. Long as you're putting 150 into everything while learning how to get better there are no "losses" just LESSONS. Give yourself breathing room. The work you're doing can be TAXING AF....don't forget to LIVE LIFE and experience it! You can change the dynamics of planning even better when you're a happier Dee. A more fulfilled Dee. That's where you will ALWAYS shine. Your mental health battles/struggles don't define you in any way...keep exposing your own insecurities, anxiety triggers, and bouts with depression bc that's REAL This is nothing about marketing or growing DRBTS to attract more "followers". This is all YOU - your struggles, your career, your moves, your path to healing and whatever else.
Thank you to every person that sent me encouraging kind words. For allowing the room to make mistakes in this space while evolving at the same time. For becoming more than "internet acquaintances" that inspire me from afar and lift me up when I need it the most. I'm 4ever grateful for YOU...
Stay passionate. Stay genuine. Stay dangerous..
🖤